My colitis is getting worse. Of course, that means I should make an appointment with the specialist, and probably go back on a steroid treatment. I won’t, though, because I don’t want to be on fucking steroids. My depression and anxiety are at all time highs. I’ve never felt so worthless. Those of you who suffer from something similar I am sure can relate. I feel horrible for my wife, because she desperately wants to help me, but there really is nothing to be done. Should I see someone? Perhaps; however, treatment has never worked for me, unless it was alcohol. Which, is not a good solution, and as a matter of fact, I have decided to stop my drinking for awhile, or at least stop at 1 beer. Can I do this? Yes. Will it be hard? Oh, very hard, indeed. I have never weighed more in my life than I do at this moment. I have to take an anti-anxiety pill just to leave the house; I haven’t even taken a walk in weeks because I don’t want people looking at me. Isn’t that ridiculous? Of course it is ridiculous! I am self-aware enough to realize the problems that I face are all, well, self-created, but I am utterly powerless at the moment to help myself. I don’t talk about it that much in a public forum because I don’t like to sound whiny, but I realize that this is no different from cancer, really. It’s a life long struggle, isn’t it? Maybe someone will read this and think, hey! I feel the same way as this person; I am not alone.
I suppose I really should take a shower, and go for a walk outside. It really is beautiful out today.