13 has been dumped because he had the audacity to not want to go to the mall. I wish I were kidding. I will break it down very simply for you, and then you will remember why being 13 sucked. He asked her on Saturday night if she wanted to go to the movies today (Monday.) She said maybe, that she would have to check and get back to him. Sunday afternoon she texted him to let him know that she couldn’t make the 1:30 showing because she was going to be shopping at a mall with her mother. OK, he said, how about 4:30? Suddenly, she realized that she was going to be at the mall all day and if he wanted to see her he would have to come with. Incidentally, this mall is over 90 minutes away and in another state. Um, no. His exact words at this moment, and I also believe were the death knell, was “Shopping is not my forte.” Within 10 minutes of that statement, the relationship was over. According to her, he should have spent his entire day at the mall with her, because you should do things you don’t like in order to spend time with your partner. Now, she’s not entirely wrong here; yes, some times in a relationship you make sacrifices for the other partner in order to spend some time together, but this goes beyond that. You are asking a 13 year-old boy to spend an entire day in a mall with you and your mother while you both go shopping. Are you insane? Don’t answer that.
Everyone knows how I feel about this harlot. I am secretly glad that she broke it off. I am relieved to not have to answer questions like “She’s asking me if I had a boner. What’s that?” I am happy to no longer read texts where she is asking him to take a shower with her (that last text was from Saturday night, and when I read it, my wife had to talk me out of banning him from seeing her again, as well as possibly contacting her parents.) I also think that, deep down, 13 is a bit relieved to be free of the shackles of having a girlfriend. The dude just wants to play League of Legends and watch Netflix. In fact, he is going to make that a requirement for the next girl that wants to date him. If you want to play video games, watch movies, and eat junk food, I am your man. We can kiss if you want to, I guess.