Hello, it’s me. It has been a while since we have spoken, and it will probably be a long time until we speak again; don’t fret over it – it’s me, not you. Although I want to talk (boy, can I ever talk if I get going) I find it incredibly difficult to maintain relationships. It is an indescribable feeling to be an extrovert locked up inside a mind taken over by anxiety, and a little bit of depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder, to boot. I have the tools to be successful in life but have absolutely no idea how to use them because the instructional manual was lost a long time ago, and the replacement is written in a different language.
I started this blog hoping it would be therapeutic for me; it would hopefully give me an outlet to write what was on my mind at the time, a way to flesh out the problems. I was hoping that it would help me process things. In reality, I am too scared to post anything most of the time. It’s too painful to think of accidentally offending someone, or worse, being criticized or rejected. Maybe this will surprise some of you reading this who know me well because I can have an acid tongue from time to time or an acid pen, depending on how you look at it.
I don’t make a good first impression; in fact, it can sometimes take me weeks, months, or years until I warm up to you. Why so long? Because I probably don’t think you like me very much, plain and simple. I am always shocked when I realize that someone actually values me as a friend, co-worker, etc – my mind is so busy informing me that everyone thinks I am an asshole that sometimes I will read the slightest facial expression or casual remark from you as an affirmation of that. It is exhausting to know me personally, ask anyone that is close to me.
So, in the interest of clarity, I thought I would list a few of my “quirks,” some things about me that I don’t necessarily share with people but might help those who have a hard time figuring me out. Secondly, maybe writing them out will help me overcome them. Maybe not. It’s worth a shot. In no particular order…
- I don’t like odd numbers unless they end in 5. You will usually find my car stereo tuned to a volume setting that is an even number. If it’s too soft at “16,” I will move it to “18.” It makes me physically uncomfortable to know that it could be set at an odd number unless that number ends in 5. Why 5? I don’t’ know.
- If you are making plans with me, I need to know every detail. Where are we going? What time? Who will be there? Is it busy? What is the parking like? How should I dress? I don’t always ask these questions but they are always burning in my mind. I don’t like the unknown – spontaneity isn’t my strong point.
- And if you do invite me somewhere where the majority of the people are unknown to me, I most likely will not show up. Meeting new people is terrifying to me. I am uncomfortable even when I am with a group of friends.
- Wearing a hat for me is akin to Linus’s security blanket, without the thumb-sucking. If I have a hat on, I am usually feeling more anxious than normal. Probably because I feel it helps me to blend in better because dudes wear hats? I don’t know, I don’t make the rules.
Well, I think that is as far as I am willing to go today. I don’t want to scare everyone away right from the start. The most difficult part of living with these eccentricities is that I actually realize they are eccentricities but am powerless to change them. My head is a constant buzz, there is always noise up there, always a devil on my shoulder. It gets tiring and lonely.